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[personal profile] arianna77
I just had to repost this, I nearly wet my pants laughing when I got this! (No, I have not graduated 5th grade)

This is for my special friends that understand the importance of this handy guide.

HOW TO POOP AT WORK (cut for length)

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly
around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else
gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do
this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra
30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a
bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts
slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or too much coffee. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain
the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet
the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being
caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the
sink, to the door after y ou have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very
uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague
who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his
or her arm. Always look arou nd the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.

co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used
bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.
Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not
realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This
is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. Thi s can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is
used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall
This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that
creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who
seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths
of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP
is an inevitable part of life.
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